


Evermore

by GreenNAngry



Category: Attack - Fandom, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Blood and Violence, Break Up, But not really because they aren't technically together?, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Feelings, Friends With Benefits, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Hurt, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Mentions of Death, Mutual Pining, No Smut, No Spoilers, Not Beta Read, Other, Reader is a Squad Captain, Serious Injuries, Songfic, Swearing, Violence, unspoken feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:33:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28679691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenNAngry/pseuds/GreenNAngry
Summary: How can you love somebody when you can't even promise another day?Gender neutral reader, but the song chosen uses she/her pronouns. I do not include it in the writing.Inspired by Evermore by Dan Stevens/from Beauty and the Beast (Thanks to TikTok)
Relationships: Erwin Smith/Original Character(s), Erwin Smith/Reader, Erwin Smith/You
Kudos: 20





	1. Evermore

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first published piece on AO3.  
> If you notice any errors, potential triggers, necessary tags, or really anything else please let me know, thank you!  
> Enjoy!

_I was the one who had it all_  
_I was the master of my fate_

  
As the commander, he was the one who had to make the hard calls. He was the one everyone turned to when there were important things that needed to be done. He had access to resources most did not, and he suffered the consequences that came with such a role. He was alone. Loneliness was pain. A burden he’d agreed to take on with the role, he wouldn’t put it on anybody else.

_I never needed anybody in my life_  
_I learned the truth too late_

  
He was alone, but it was okay. He could take it. Even when he’d gotten close to one of the squad captains. He refused to let it become something.  
With the way their lives were, he knew he couldn't love. Not really. He’d known it since he took over.

  
He knew it would be a bad idea, a terrible and painful idea were things to go wrong. And so he’d dedicated himself to being the commander, and only the commander until he either died or retired. He would be alone. Even if the thought did cross his mind over and over again.

But when he and the Captain found themselves falling into bed together night after night, pillow talk consisting of ideas of the future of humanity and theories of the world outside of the walls, he knew he was falling hard.

  
But it was a bad idea. A terrible idea, so he kept it to himself and suffered in silence. How can you love somebody when you can’t even promise another day?

  
But there was no mistaking the glances they would share during the day, the way they would speak to each other. The way they would always seek out the other after an especially dangerous mission. Nor could you hide the way they would laugh and hold each other close at night, the smiles they’d share.

  
You didn’t need to vocalize their relationship, what they were. And to be honest, Erwin didn’t want to. To confirm that he belonged to them, and them to him, would only make it more painful if something happened.

  
_I'll never shake away the pain_  
_I close my eyes but she's still there_

  
But sometimes, it was hard to deal with. The loneliness. They’d agreed the night that they first got together that it wouldn’t become anything more than it was. Even so, it hurt. It would be worsened on the nights where they would leave him, unable to continue to be near him because they’d get too close. And it was a bad idea. And it hurt to have a hint of something you couldn’t keep.

And after the door would close behind them, he’d sit on the edge of his bed, trying to will away the ache in his chest. It’s for the best, he would remind himself. For the both of them.

He’d never admit it, but after they slipped out of the room he would lay, basking in the remaining warmth on the side of the bed they’d taken over and inhaling the scent they’d left behind. The ache in his chest slowly fading with his consciousness.

  
_I let her steal into my melancholy heart_  
_It's more than I can bear_

  
Even as the hot tears stream down his face, even as his hands clench into fists so tight that his knuckles split, he couldn’t let himself fall.

  
_Now I know she'll never leave me_  
_Even as she runs away_

  
But eventually, they would both end up back in that damned bed together. Night after night. Pretending things were okay, for as long as it would last. Pretending they weren’t hurting. Shared smiles, discussing their dreams of the way things could be.  
And if they’d decided to leave during the night, he’d watch them walk out. And then he would squeeze his eyes shut in an attempt to force himself to sleep. When he tried to sleep alone his mind would be plagued by the horrors he sees daily.

  
_She will still torment me_  
_Calm me, hurt me_  
_Move me, come what may_

  
Even when they’d reassured each other that despite their feelings they wouldn’t become something, neither could stop the worry when the other was injured, or when they’d be separated while surrounded by seemingly endless danger.  
And he would love- no, enjoy the way they ran their fingers through his hair after an especially difficult day. When he was worried, or angry at the world. The gentle press of their lips to his forehead, pushing boundaries that neither dared fully cross.

  
And sometimes they would bicker like lovers, each gritting their teeth or tearing up when things got hard, but they weren't lovers. Not really.

  
_Wasting in my lonely tower_  
_Waiting by an open door_  
_I'll fool myself, she'll walk right in_  
_And be with me for evermore_

  
But they could pretend.  
When the nights got lonely they could hold each other and things could be okay. Even if it weren’t forever. Even if they didn't every night fall asleep next to each other.  
They could pretend.

  
_I rage against the trials of love_  
_I curse the fading of the light_

  
He'd think of them in moments where he feared for his life out on the battlefield, knowing full well that thinking of them was exactly what he was fighting against by refusing to call himself theirs and them his, and sometimes he'd dread nightfall knowing he couldn't resist being with them and he'd continue to grow attached.

_Though she's already flown so far beyond my reach  
She's never out of sight  
_

  
But sometimes it got too hard.

  
Sometimes they'd keep each other at arms length and stay away for a few days, fighting against the feelings.  
But the two would always reunite, when times got hard they would hold each other close, kissing and touching, clinging to each other late into the night.

  
_Now I know she'll never leave me_  
_Even as she fades from view_

  
They both knew it was a bad idea.  
But they couldn't stop.  
It was like a magnet, the two couldn’t keep away from each other as hard as they tried.

  
_She will still inspire me_  
_Be a part of everything I do_

  
They both thought of each other when times got hard.  
He wanted to lead, he wanted to make the world better for them.  
Even if they didn’t belong to each other.

  
_Wasting in my lonely tower_  
_Waiting by an open door_  
_I'll fool myself, she'll walk right in_  
_And as the long, long nights begin_  
_I'll think of all that might have been_  
_Waiting here for evermore_

  
But what if he'd never become commander?  
What if they could be something? Could it be worth it? He'd wonder silently as he held their sleeping body close to his chest, staring out the window into the night sky.

  
No, Erwin, it's better to just pretend. Just for right now.


	2. Say It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeeeeah, so here is chapter 2. This may just be a mini series.

It had started out fine. The two were getting into pajamas, climbing back into the bed after an eventful evening of planning for the next expedition, a few drinks among the higher ups, followed by their own usual nightly _routine_ after which they’d turned to him and asked him.

  
“Erwin, when are we going to stop pretending?”

  
“What do you mean?” He’d stupidly asked, trying to deflect. He kept thinking back the look on their face at that. The hurt in their eyes.

  
“When are we going to stop pretending this isn’t what it clearly is?”

  
“…What do you _think_ this is?”

  
It’s for the best. It’s for the best, he keeps reminding himself. This pain they’re both feeling, it would be far worse if they were _something_ , and one of them were to…

  
As much as he tries to remind himself after the evening that it’s for the best, it’s a good thing that this ends now, with them walking out rather than with one of them dying, he can’t stop the blinding hot rage flooding his body. He can’t keep the sinking, sick, guilty twisting from eating away at him. He can’t stop himself from standing from the bed, approaching his desk and angrily sending everything flying from the surface, scattering and hitting the ground.

  
He can’t stop himself from loudly cursing, and then placing his palms on the top, leaning on them as his shoulders shake, concealing the noises that want to leave him.

  
“Am I not good enough? Is that it?” They’d asked him, hot tears spilling past their eyelids.  
“It’s not about that. You know what this world is like. What every day is like. None of this is getting any easier right now.”  
“If anything that should be more reason. Our lives are short. So short, so _fucking_ short, do you want to spend yours hiding and acting like you don’t care because you _think_ it makes things easier?”

He digs his fingers into the roots of his hair, tugging angrily at the memory.

“I don’t get to settle down, to pretend I’ll live a long time, to pretend things will turn out okay for me. I don’t get to have a family, to have love. I have to ensure the future of humanity, that’s my job. _That’s_ what my life is.”

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

“And I support you, Erwin, I’ll follow you to the end, for the future of _everything_ and you know that. That’s _my_ job. I'm doing my job. Which is why it hurts so much that you can’t just say it. Because jobs aside, me and you still end up in here. We still end up together.”

“But that isn’t what this is. Together. We aren’t. That isn’t what this is.”

“I know, but maybe it should be.”  
“No.”  
“Why?”  
“You know why.”  
“I do know why and it’s a bullshit reason at this point.”  
“It’s not a bullshit reason. It’s a perfectly valid reason. Please, let’s not do this tonight.”  
“No, I can’t keep doing this!”

  
Their name leaves his lips in a hushed whisper, and he sits up a bit more at the foot of the bed, looking up at them with a frown.

  
“Erwin, I can’t. I can’t do this anymore, not like this. I love you. Please. _Say it._ ”

  
He squeezes one of his hands in the other, looking down at the ground and then shutting his eyes. He tries to say their name again, trying to be rational. Trying to remind them of why this was a bad idea. Why it was important to stay as they are, not become something more.

  
“Erwin…” They’d cut him off in an intense, painful tone, speaking his name instead. A shaking breath following it.

  
“If we lose each other out there, at this point it’s going to hurt like hell either way. Would you rather one of us die out there, knowing how we feel? Or stay like this, wondering, pretending? I’m tired of pretending. I love you. God, _I love you so fucking much_ Erwin and I can’t keep acting like I don’t. None of us get out of this alive. And with the lives we live, it’s brief and painful, and feelings make it so much harder but does that mean it's not worth it? Even if we don’t get forever, we get something, and that’s worth it, isn’t it? Isn’t it worth it?” Moving over and taking his hands in theirs, squeezing tightly, desperate, painfully. Pleading him with their eyes.

He takes a deep breath but no words follow.

  
“Please. Erwin, tell me that you love me. Say it back. _Please_.”

  
He doesn’t even look up at them.

  
“Unless you really don’t mean it. But can you honestly look at me right now and tell me that it’s just sex? That’s what this is? After everything?”

  
He tears his gaze from the ground and forces himself to make eye contact.

  
“It _is_. That’s all this is. It’s what it has been from the beginning. You knew that, _I_ knew that.” His voice is firm. Defensive. It’s true, technically. It _had_ to be.

  
“No, _I don’t believe you!_ ” Tearing their hands from his. Anger, pain in their voice once again. “Otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation at all. You wouldn’t have to remind me of the dangers of our lives and _why_ it’s a bad idea. You wouldn’t need to explain it. Erwin, I know you feel the same way, _please_.” And he’s looking back at the floor again, squeezing the material of his pajama pants in his fists. Refusing to even look in their direction.

  
“Erwin Smith, I need you to tell me that you love me right now. Or I’m leaving and I’m not coming back.”

  
He doesn’t say a word.

  
“Erwin, _please._ ” One more chance. One more chance to say it. Just one.

  
He doesn’t budge, he doesn’t even look at them. They wait about thirty seconds, and realizing he isn't going to, they pull themselves to step away.

  
“ _Fine_.” He doesn’t watch them leave this time. He can’t. Because he knows they mean it this time, when they say they won’t come back.

  
It's for the best.


	3. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's fuckin' goooooo!

"Commander, we need you to tell us what to do next."

"For now, return to your Captain and share information you have. We'll all gather and discuss our results and decide our next steps in a few moments." He doesn't yet look up from his plans.

This specific mission was intended to clear a small town somewhere in Wall Maria. Things were certainly not going well, but there were no titans in sight for the time being so the squads were gathering together outside of the town in a field to evaluate the damage and go over the plan.

"Sir? You didn't hear?"

"No, hear what?" He turns away from the map in his hand and faces the soldier.

"Our Captain was... wounded badly during battle. They're unable to give us instructions at the moment, and the lieutenant is the one trying to deal with their wounds, she's the only one in our current group that has the knowledge to fully evaluate the damage. She sent us to you."

He glances over the squad standing behind the speaking man, and his blood runs cold. The man before him and those behind him... that's Y/N's squad.

He takes a deep breath.

"Is this all that's left of you? Where is your Captain?"

"This is all we have left, Sir. The Captain is over there." He points at the wagon in the distance. Erwin glances that way, heart thumping a bit harder in his chest.

"Who else is out there still? What is the damage?"

"Captain Levi's squad was the last to return, they stayed out for longer." He nods at the approaching man who greets the commander with a nod, stopping his horse in place.

"Captain."

"Commander. We were doing fine until that large group wandered in at the end, it caught everyone off guard. We tried to retaliate but every squad took damage, and we were spread out so far, it was hard to tell what direction they were coming from. There are 9 confirmed casualties at the moment, 18 wounded, 2 wounded badly. 5 are missing."

"We're going to need to retreat, the plan went to hell. We made it out with a decent amount, but we can't charge back in with this many injured. We'll have to return." He thinks aloud, glancing down at his map.

"Retreat now? There are still 5 missing. We can't leave them behind." The scout gapes. Another comes up behind him. The Lieutenant of Y/N's squad.

"We don't have a lot of choices, we have two badly wounded, including our Captain. If we don't hurry back and get them to the doctors, they are going to die. We don't have the materials with us right now to provide treatment for the injuries they've sustained, and I don't have enough knowledge to work alone. We have to head back or we'll have two more on our list."

Erwin stands straighter, a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead as he looks around at the groups.

He needs to make a decision, now. They were counting on him. What was the best one?

He couldn't let personal feelings get involved, either. He knew that. He knew that too well.

Usually the plans allowed room to compensate for unexpected events, but... they didn't bring as many people with them this time around. It was only meant to be the clearing of a smaller town. When the group of titans leaning more towards 10 meters than 3 started piling in, things took a bad turn.

"More Titans!" Somebody shouts. A few draw their blades and one shoots off a red flare to announce the titans spotted in the treeline in the distance.

He quickly whistles to get everyone to gather.

"Attention!" He calls, hands around his mouth to extend the range of his voice. Hurriedly, attention turns to him.

"We need to split up. We can not finish what we set out to do today, our goal has changed." He states, taking a deep breath and glancing over at the wagon Y/N is laying in. "We took a big hit. For now, some of us need to get the badly injured to safety." He watches the approaching titans in the distance, trying to determine the amount of time they have.

"They're drawing closer!" Levi calls in warning, blade drawn and preparing to fight.

"Get the injured back to safety!" He calls to one of the Captains, pointing in the distance back towards the wall. The woman nods, climbing quickly onto her horse. Her squad follows suit, ready to protect the injured.

"And you, Commander?" Levi questions, to which Erwin exhales shakily.

"We need to find those who are missing. The rest of you, ride with me. Let's go!" He sends one last glance at the wagon as the drivers take off. He climbs onto his own horse, taking off towards the city.

Whatever happens will happen, he reminds himself.

This is why it was a bad idea. Anything can happen out here. His heart aches.

_Stop. You have a job to do._

"They're headed right for us now!" Someone calls, a few Scouts using their ODM gear to get around the titans, slashing the backs of their necks.

There are around 3, and it was definitely risky to head back in, but they didn't have many other options. They'd already lost so many, and it was a risk to go back in, but they couldn't just leave them in there. Titans were brutal, gruesome creatures with only one goal, to eat. If they weren't already dead, their chances were drawing thinner and thinner the longer they were left in the town.

They couldn't lose any more, not on a standard territory recovery mission.

How could so much go wrong so quickly?

"Where was their last seen location?" He calls aloud, watching as the last of the approaching titans drop.

-

"Four of the missing were recovered, 3 are wounded badly but being looked over now, the other only has minor injuries."

"And the fifth?"

"One of the injured reported her as dead. That makes 10 confirmed casualties at this moment. We can't make a run back for the rest of the bodies at this time."

A silence falls on the group gathered together.

After a moment, Erwin speaks up. "And what of our wounded here?"

"I think the doctors can explain it best."

-

"It's... To tell you the truth... It's not looking good, Commander. We are doing everything we can, upon your group's return even Section Commander Hange has been helping out with the injuries. Captain Y/N has been in and out of consciousness, mostly out. The Cadet is expected to recover, but his injuries are bad. My knowledge is that he was surrounded and was knocked off of one of the rooftops. He landed badly, and ended up with a nearly shattered carpus, a broken radius, and torn ligaments in his right knee. I don't think he'll be back out there for a while, if at all. The damage to his wrist, it's going to be really hard to repair and he may never get full mobility back. He will likely have chronic pain."

"Alright. And Captain Y/N?"

The surgeon takes a deep breath.

"Where to begin? As far as I've heard, they were surrounded. They took down a few, but a 7 meter got the jump on them and managed to squeeze them in it's hand. It broke multiple ribs, I think 3. There isn't any internal bleeding as far as we can tell, but bad bruising and it's going to be a bitch to heal." He explains, and Erwin nods.

Y/N was good at what they did, it was how they managed to become a Captain after all. But the group of titans that swarmed from the east took everyone by surprise. Many of them moved quietly. There was hardly even enough time to send off warning flares.

"The bastard was killed, but it ended up toppling over and crushing them. A few titans were running by, and ended up running over the corpse before it had evaporated so they were... sort of trampled, but the corpse was acting as a cushion at the same..."

Perhaps the only time a titan could be considered helpful.

"They hit their head when they hit the ground, we're thinking they recieved a moderate concussion from that. They have more than a few open wounds though, and the bleeding took a very long time for us to stop. And it took a while to get back here, I heard that they'd managed to drag themselves into a nearby building until they could get help. Luckily the bleeding is all external, as I said there aren't any signs of internal bleeding. But the external blood loss is... well, its bad. They're in really rough shape. And we do not think the head trauma is why they're unconscious, the damage to their head isn't severe but more likely the blood loss and pain. We do have them on medications to try and stop the bleeding, fight infection and swelling, and we've been giving them transfusions, but I can't make any promises, Commander."

He nods, shutting his eyes and sighing deeply.

"It's a waiting game right now. We've done all we can. It's a bit unpredictable. They've lost a lot of blood, there aren't any signs of infection for the moment but it could take a turn... And unfortunately we don't have the same supplies that Wall Sina does. The bleeding has paused for the time being, and they're still recieving transfusions to try and compensate for the loss. But hopefully, it will remain that way. There were many injured today."

Erwin nods, looking at the doorway. "Of course. Thank you Doctor. You should return to treating the others."

"You're free to visit those who have been treated for the time being." He nods in acknowledgment as the man walks off into one of the rooms.

Erwin lingers in the doorway for a long moment, trying to decide whether or not he should go in. He eventually decides to, having trouble looking directly at their unusually sickly pale skin, and sits in the chair beside them. He doesn't quite find the sheet covering their body to be more interesting to look at, but it does make him less uncomfortable to focus on.

They could die, that thought becomes very real to him at that moment, and it makes him feel so very ill.

They'd ended things a little under 2 weeks ago, for reasons exactly like this. Because at any moment, not only could either of them die, but the possibility was higher because their jobs consisted of barging into titan territory. On purpose. To return the land to the people.

He took calculated risks, willingly, every single day. Whether or not they were out fighting, every move he made was a risk in order to better humanity. He knew that many died under him, it was why the survey corps had so much controversy. Their branch was a dangerous job. A necessary, but dangerous one. And people willingly signed themselves up to take the job... knowing what could come of it.

Y/N took on the job. They hadn't chosen the Military Police, or the Garrison regiment, they'd chosen the Scouts. Knowing the risks. They did it well, but clearly it was so very dangerous. And even so, knowing what could go wrong, they'd attached theirself to him. Fallen in love with him. And told him so.

And now they might die.

They might die, and the last interaction the two of them had together was them begging for his love and him fighting it.

They were right when they'd told him it would hurt like hell to lose one another.

"Captain." He speaks, clearing his throat.

He isn't really sure what he wants to say, he just knows it's something.

"You... You're in bad shape."

 _Duh_.

"And... I... Well, I don't quite know what's going to happen. But I want you to know that I'm sorry for the pain I caused you."

His palms feel clammy, so he wipes them off on the material of his pants.

"I know... I know all you've wanted from me is my affection. And I've... well, I've been unable to give that to you."

He spares a glance up at their face, unmoving, pale. Bruised, bloodied, and his stomach churns at the sight.

"I don't..." he begins, but stops himself, unable to even continue his train of thought.

What was he supposed to say?

He knows what he'd want them to say, but he can't.

"I want you to know that the world would certainly be a worse place without you in it. And..."

-nothing. _And_ nothing.

"I appreciate all you've given to our cause. I do not want you to die."

No. He knows he doesn't.

After a long silence, he closes his eyes and presses his palms into his eyes, they ache so badly. The stress from the day aside, it was killing him to see them like this.

"I..."

His feelings were complicated enough... this world they were in was complicated, everything was _so fucking hard_.

_"I love you, Y/N."_

He clenches his jaw, looking down at the floor.

He couldn't say it before. He doesn't think he could actually say it now if they were awake before him, looking at him. Because everything in this world was so unsure.

But he couldn't lie to himself.

_Don't die, damn it. I... We need you._

He forces himself to look up at them, unmoving, so eerily still. And he sits there for a few moments, just... watching. But he knows he can't stay, he has a job to do. So after a few moments, he forces himself to stand, making his way towards the door once again.

He has to restrain himself from glancing back in their direction.

_It's for the best, remember?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... There's chapter 3. All aboard the angst train!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it, if you did, please feel free to leave kudos or comment your thoughts, I'd really love to hear what you have to say on this series so far and what you'd like to see in the future.


End file.
